10 Year SCI Reflection

10 Years ago today I rode as a passenger on a motorcycle for the last time. As we left the traffic light, the SUV coming from the opposite way wasn’t slowing down in the turning lane. The next thing I knew we headed straight for the back passenger door. We collid with the SUV. Everything goes black. The driver of the bike smashes through the back window breaking his leg. I fly over about 30 feet before my body crashed onto the pavement. I was rushed to the hospital where staff urgently began life saving matters as I code. “Clear!” my lifeless body is shocked back…they lose me again. “Clear!” I’m shocked back to life. 

For a brief moment I cease to exist. It’s peaceful here. Nice, warm, bright. Grandma Boyce tells me, "Jesi May you cannot stay here, you must go back, you have things to do, and people to get back to, you must go now.” She sends me back to the real world. Freshly saved, a born again believer, after spending years being an atheist, THE DAY BEFORE MY ACCIDENT. I wake up, “Mom, Grandma Boyce said it’s not my time and I had to come back.” Then I’m out again. 

“She saw my mom, she died.” My mom blatantly states to my dad. He thinks she’s crazy. (It wouldn’t be until a year later I find out how close to no longer being on this side I was.)

When I initially found out I was paralyzed my initial thoughts were “Well Jesi, you really fucked up this time.” 

I made a pact to myself, this will not be my life forever. 

I would never choose my Spinal Cord Injury, but I would never undo my SCI. After the initial hurdles, it has given me a fuller perspective, life, and faith than I believe I could have found with out it. Each year has brought different trials, tribulations, and lessons. Most days I don’t even think about being paralyzed. 

YEAR ONE- 

The year of denial. Focusing solely on “getting back” to the way it was, I spend thousands of dollars and countless hours on physical therapy to have ZERO return. My only mental focus was walking again while I ate junk food, binged Netflix, drank daily, and smoked an ounce a week. I did not take care of myself in a way that would even begin to support recovery. I struggled with Urinary infection after urinary infection. I made life harder than it already was with my piss pour attitude and effort. 

YEAR TWO-

The year of anger. The money ran out, but there was still no recovery. Reality set in. I’m paralyzed. I became angry and resentful that “THIS WHEELCHAIR” and the struggles that came with it were apart of my day to day life. I took this anger out on everyone around me. I was rude to my family, burned friendships to the ground, and became very entitled. There was no healing to be had. I partied harder, partook in drugs, lived reckless with an “I’m invincible” mindset. 

YEAR THREE-

The year of change. I became sick and tired of being sick and tired. What I had been doing the past two years was not making life any better. After falling on the floor numerous times and getting stuck, I knew I had to change my lifestyle to be conducive to getting stronger. I began consuming better nutrition both through food and the content I consumed mentally. Coupled with adaptive sports, I began getting deeply committed to Jesi. I started being “okay” living with a spinal cord injury even needed a second back surgery to repair the broken hardware in my back. Although I was working on myself, there were some old habits and tendencies I had to let go of to grow.

YEAR FOUR-

The year of trial & error. I began trying different avenues for my future. Re-enrolling in college to finish my associates degree I started long before the accident coupled with traveling the country as a member of the Wheelchair Curling Paralympic Developmental Team I began to navigate what Jesi wanted in life.

YEAR FIVE-

The year I gave it all to God. With my shoulder health deteriorating rapidly and my desire to finish my degree, I left the Developmental Team and focus solely on my studies along with rehabbing my shoulders. I spiral deep to the dark depths of the mind, finding myself wrestling with suicide. I no longer want to struggle with a failing body and defeated mind. I need my higher power to help me out of this, so I asked God to take my life for his will. With God I began seeing the light in life. 

YEAR SIX-

The year I became fueled by a desire to have deeper purpose and meaning in life. My focus is helping people heal their deteriorating body from the inside out. I invest in a nutrition coaching certification. The goal is to help us heal from the inside out. I begin to find my way. 

YEAR SEVEN-

The year I left my financial comfort zone. After my dad’s health scare, I was pushed into going back to work full-time as an orthodontic assistant. I began working my way off Social Security Disability, committing to the first step to financial independence. Going back to work full-time, quickly being advanced to a leadership position due to my commitment to going the extra mile, I gained a confidence I didn’t know was possible. This was my first time being around non-disabled people (besides my parents) for long periods of time. They called out often, where I never called out. It made me realize EVERYONE has debilitating issues. Mine is just visible. My disability was no longer an excuse for me not to be able to do more in life. I allowed it to be an excuse for too long.

YEAR EIGHT-

The year that broke me down. I had so many incredible experiences up to this point, after a year and half of celibacy from the opposite sex, I’m ready to share my life with someone else. I opened myself up to another wheelchair user only to be crushed after a seven month fling. At the same time he ended it, I found out my hardware was broken and I would need a third back surgery to remove and replace the old hardware. Again, I quickly found myself fantasizing death. I prayed to God everyday not to let me die on the table, guiding my surgical team through the procedure. Recovery was also a dark period. I scheduled heavy work travel just three weeks after surgery to quiet my mind. I had this deep yearning to love another human deeply and feel that same love back. A partner to grow and elevate with, build a home with, have a baby with. I’m tired of doing it alone. But I also refuse to settle, so I put my head down. I have continue to work on myself, becoming the quality of partner I desire.

YEAR NINE-

The year that tested me in all areas. I took a job as traveling consultant for Wellspect, a bowel/bladder management company. This would get me out of the dental office and back into my element, speaking to rehabilitation facilities about life after a spinal cord injury or back on the run as I called it. Travel was my way to escape my reality. If I’m always on the go I can’t think about being alone. Around the same time I met A. From the moment he walked to my car I knew there was something different about him He solidified this after our 4 hour conversation that went by in a blink of an eye. Holy shit, I met the man I’m going to spend my life with, I just don’t know how. Things were complicated on both sides, and neither of us were where we needed to be to start this level of a relationship, so we focused on friendship. Never crossing a physical line more than hugging. We spoke about our feelings once or twice, but then left it at that. My friends and family thought I was nuts, but the more our friendship grew, the more solidified it was for me that he is my person. Around the same time I became co-owner of Freedom LKN. An elite wellness facility focused on the longevity and independence of the Lake Norman community. A local business where I get to serve people in real life and that supports my healing. Through using our modalities consistently, I regained sensation of temperature & deep pressure in my legs. Holy crap, I just crossed something off my vision board, the goal of serving people in person and recovering from my SCI while I do it. Halfway through the year I receive a cold DM from an employee of the USOPC asking if I would want to partner with Team USA to cover the Paralympics in Paris, all expenses paid. Holy Shit! The opportunity to partner with Team USA and represent my country! Another check off the vision board. By the end of the year I had massive growth in patience, emotional control, and expressing gratitude for those around me. And after eleven months of becoming best friends, that man I met at the beginning of the year, became my boyfriend and we moved in together. Moving out of my parents basement after almost twelve years, another check off the vision board.  This year taught me genuinely create our reality through our consistent habits, continuing to pour into ourselves physically & mentally, and through our connection to our higher power.

YEAR TEN-

The year I fully step into my power. My book comes out, I have a beautiful home with my dream man. I have a long list of supportive friends, everywhere I look there are opportunities, and I am finally in a place that I can FULLY focus on my coaching program. I started PT again with the best neurorecovery PT in the southeast, with my muscles firing in my legs, I have nothing but options. This is the year I stop talking about it and be about it, FULLY, UNAPOLOGETICALLY.

 My spinal cord injury has been the greatest blessing. It took me from an alcoholic, pill abusing, irresponsible young adult, to a limitless, powerful woman. I couldn’t change the situation so I made the best of it, turning life’s lemons in to the best damn lemonade you’ve ever had.